Hollow Knight, Game Jams, and Elden Ring.

Now that it's been almost a year, I felt like it was time for a new blog post. We are so back.

In the last year, I've accomplished quite a few things and failed at many others; there's a specific theme I've consistently felt was worth spending some time writing about. I don't have an exact route I'd like to take through these thoughts, so apologies in advance if it's more like a stream of conscious thought.

PART 1: HOLLOW KNIGHT

I started playing Hollow Knight back in...2018, I think? Enter 2023, and I've got a list of games I've never finished that are like a thorn in my side. Not every game needs to be played through to completion, but it irks me when a game has bested me and I stop playing it because it's too hard or confusing in some way or another. For years, I perpetuated the terrible habit of starting fairly long games and only playing them on occasion. Hollow Knight doesn't hold your hand, so it's easy to forget what your latest goal was or why you failed to beat a boss 10 times in a row. Consistency helps. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is another example of this. It's a massive game worth sinking hours into, but you're going to have a bad time if you play it once every 6 months and always forget how the combat works. I'm not even saying it's complicated, there's just enough to think about in life without having to remember which button to hit when you're falling through the air and need to shoot this stupid boss in his stupid face because he's killed you three times now and this game sucks and i hate it.

I digress. I began playing Hollow Knight more regularly over the course of 2023, finally finishing the main story around November. I loved it so much. It was challenging, frustrating, and taught me a lot about getting good. And I did get good at it! I got into the game because the art and music was incredible, and I stayed for the satisfaction of completing something difficult, but beautifully crafted. Hollow Knight taught me to stick things out. It tweaked my lack of patience. It made me angry, and in turn, ask myself why I was so frustrated. It grew my awareness for when anxiety is telling me I just need to get this thing done because it's difficult, uncomfortable, and you don't like those feelings. I didn't enjoy every play session; sometimes I wasn't in the mood and needed to take a step back, which was also fine! The point being, I slowly learned to enjoy the journey more than the destination. It's cliche, I know, but it's a cliche for a reason. By the time I was done with the game, I realized I wasn't even that happy to be finishing it. I had enjoyed playing it far more than checking it off of my list.

And that's good. Great, even. I'm grateful for it. I got to learn some hard lessons about myself from a video game. That's cool.

PART 2: GAME JAMS

I've participated in maybe five game jams now, and I've done worse in each one in sequence. Seriously, I made a finished product the first time I ever did one with zero experience coding, and I didn't have anything whatsoever to show for the last one. No art, no code, zilch. I just quit early because things got so hopeless. Turns out I didn't fully learn my lesson with Hollow Knight, and I'm still bad at being uncomfortable with failure and discomfort. I'd recently released an 8 song record, so I thought for sure I had this project planning and productivity planning thing worked out! Because working on something slowly over 6 months is the same as cramming for 3 days straight, frfr trust.

I can be stupid. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from Hollow Knight was that practice is difficult. It takes patience, grace for yourself, and a willingness to suffer. Yeah, you messed up. You can take a break, but the problem will still be waiting for you when you get back. Try, try again. Apparently everything kind of works like this?! Coding in python on a daily basis and making a game jam entry two years ago doesn't make me a godot 4.0 wizard??? This sucks, I'm out.

Time to apply practice to game dev, too. While I did quit, I framed it internally as recognizing that I'd reached my stress limits about the whole thing and needed to take a step back. I simply wasn't prepared for it, which is what upset me the most. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I'd talked a big game, my friends were doing great with their projects, and here I was, failing again. Even if that was true, I didn't need to hold it against myself. Point being, I was really going through it and it sucked. I was still trying to force my way through with unchecked perfectionism and unfair expectations that would ultimately lead to my demise. Apparently I hadn't learned anything from Hollow Knight. Cue me, discovering that practice itself takes practice.

I need practice with practice, too. It's a bit of a mindset shift for me to practice grace and kindness towards myself in all things. It wasn't modeled super well to me, so it's been a fun new thing to try out as an adult. (it is rarely fun). My optimistic side likes the idea of going into the next game jam with this newfound awareness and a lot more patience. Who knows what we'll learn next time! And I mean that; as I've grown in these things, I'm coming to enjoy them. The journey is what we remember, not the destination. Thanks Hollow Knight, and thanks GMTK 24.

PART 3: ELDEN RING

I honestly don't have that much to say about Elden Ring. It's my first souls game, and I'm just another poor soul getting his face punched in by overpowered enemies every time I play it.

...however...

I've never had so much fun playing a difficult game. I have no idea how far into I am and I have no specific goal of when I want to beat the game. Maybe never, that way I can enjoy it forever. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it sucks, sometimes I complain and annoy my poor friends who keep watching me stream it despite my presence. I'm a recovering whiny gamer in some aspects, but my genuine enjoyment of Elden Ring is proof of progress. I wouldn't be here without Hollow Knight and the lessons it taught me. Difficult things can be really fun, and the world doesn't need to pander to me. I like to believe that I'm building character through these experiences and that it's making me a stronger person. I'm hesitant to admit it's an entire perspective shift. I do not take to difficult things easily, even after all of this. I still want life handed to me and I want games to make me feel powerful and cool, not like the weenie I am. I hate drywall and the fact that I still don't know how to tape and mud well. But the bathroom is still there, and eventually I will best it. The next game jam might be better. The next round against a bell bearing hunter could be the one. There's always hope, always perseverance, and always another perspective worth considering. All of this is true only because there's a God who said we're worth it. You're worth it, I'm worth it. And for that reason, we press on. Push on through.

Thanks for reading. glory be to Jesus.